JETS at TEXANS

Line: Texans by 4
Over/Under: 44
I like Rex Ryan’s style, but he disappointed me by blowing a glorious “like father, like son” opportunity in preseason against the Giants. For family honor, why didn’t he re-enact Buddy’s 1994 snap and sucker-punch Kevin Gilbride? I think expectations for the Jets and Mark Sanchez are too high. Houston is tough at home, and the Jets will miss Shaun Ellis and Calvin Pace. The pick: Texans

REDSKINS at GIANTS
Line: Giants by 6
Over/Under: 37
Distinguished colleague Bob Glauber and other alleged experts are talking Super Bowl for the Giants. That would be no shock, but numerous short-term injuries and the shaky WR situation might lead to a slow start. Not having Steve Spagnuolo will hurt, too. After their bumbling preseason, would a tight game against a division rival be so surprising? The pick: Redskins

COWBOYS at BUCS
Line: Cowboys by 6
Over/Under: 39
Why did the most evil franchises in sports, the Yankees and Cowboys, get new stadiums the same year? Because Satan treats his favorite teams equally. Tampa is in total overhaul, and Tony Romo is Mr. September. The pick: Cowboys

LIONS at SAINTS
Line: Saints by 13
Over/Under: 49
In a reversal of the Roman Colosseum’s script, Saints maul a helpless Lion (rookie QB Matthew Stafford). Gary and Wayne the Lions fans are upbeat because their guys can’t do worse than negative perfection. The pick: Saints

DOLPHINS at FALCONS
Line: Falcons by 4
Over/Under: 43
The two biggest surprise teams of 2008 will regress, for that it is the NFL way. Parity and consistency: oil and water. Matt Ryan and Michael Turner exploit Miami’s retooled, young defense. The pick: Falcons

BRONCOS at BENGALS
Line: Bengals by 4
Over/Under: 42
After No. 1 pick Andre Smith fractured his foot in a non-contact drill, you knew the Bengals drafted the right guy. Incredibly, Denver seems even more messed up than perennial joke Cincinnati. The pick: Bengals

JAGUARS at COLTS
Line: Colts by 7
Over/Under: 44
The Jags covered four of the last five at Indy, and the Colts would love to kick them when they’re down. They’ll be psyched for the debut of Tony Dungy’s successor, longtime defensive coordinator Jim Caldwell. The pick: Colts

CHIEFS at RAVENS
Line: Ravens by 13
Over/Under: 36
Matt Cassel (questionable, knee) should sit this one out and let Brodie Croyle take the pain. The Ravens feast on young QBs and excel at home. The pick: Ravens

RAMS at SEAHAWKS
Line: Seahawks by 8
Over/Under: 41
Rams QB Marc Bulger (probable) has a broken right pinky. Seattle’s OL is missing two starters. Want to bet big? When in doubt, take the points. The pick: Rams

49ERS at CARDINALS
Line: Cardinals by 6
Over/Under: 46
The Cards would have been the worst Super Bowl champs ever, and an iffy defense and weak run game will catch up to them. Mike “Scary Stare” Singletary will make his Niners max out. The pick: 49ers

CHARGERS at RAIDERS
Line: Chargers by 9
Over/Under: 43
Will the Raiders taunt legally entangled Shawne Merriman by playing the 1958 hit “Tequila”? San Diego covered seven straight against the sad Silver and Black. The pick: Chargers

EAGLES at PANTHERS
Line: Eagles by 2
Over/Under: 43
Whenever the Jets sacked Michael Vick, my black Lab wagged his tail and barked. But if Vick helps me get a cover this season, I’ll explain to Linus that moral outrage and gambling don’t mix. Carolina has many injuries and bad vibes. The pick: Eagles

VIKINGS at BROWNS
Line: Vikings by 4
Over/Under: 40
Will Manformergenius put a bounty on Brett Favre, whose December fold helped get him fired? For a few games, expect the QB Who Can’t Stay Away to avoid his patented absurd heaves. Killer defense and Adrian Peterson dominate. The pick: Vikings

BEARS at PACKERS
Line: Packers by 3
Over/Under: 46
Mr. Bear, Dick Butkus, is down on Chicago’s defense. “If they don’t improve from last year,” he said, “I don’t know if God could really help them at quarterback.” Jay Cutler is no deity but he’s a major upgrade from Kyle Orton. The pick: Bears

BILLS at PATRIOTS
Line: Patriots by 11
Over/Under: 47
Tom Brady’s return, T.O.’s Bills debut: You can’t wait. Dick Jauron fired Turk Schonert because his offense was too complex. T.O. also wants to keep it simple, as in “Throw every down to me.” Pats are on an 11-0 series run (9-2 ATS). The pick: Patriots