I am a peaceful guy. Despite the continued presence of Joe Buck on my television screen, I have not recently considered an assault on anyone.

However, if the thought were to cross my mind, I know what my first move would be. I would move to Napa.
Because apparently all alleged assaults in that charming city are investigated by Deputy Barney Fife.
If you’re keeping score at home, it has been 77 days since a Raiders coaching staff meeting at the team’s summer training camp deteriorated into a Wednesday Night Raw wrestling special at the Napa Marriott Hotel. The featured personalities were coach Tom Cable and assistant Randy Hanson. Violence of some sort occurred. Hanson went to the hospital, was treated for a broken jaw and filed a police report. Cable denied that anything happened. Napa authorities said they were on the case.
That was 11 long weeks ago. The police investigation concluded Oct. 5, with findings turned over to district attorney Gary Lieberstein. And still, the folks up in Mayberry — sorry, Napa — have not determined whether a crime was committed.
Now, you can think what you want about Tom Cable as a football man. My opinion is that as an NFL head coach, he makes a great NFL offensive-line coach. Cable rallied his men to an upset of Philadelphia on Sunday. If he rallies them to eight or nine more of those this season, I’ll be impressed. I’m not expecting to be impressed.
As a coach, Cable deserves what he gets. But as a citizen, Cable deserves better than an 11-week limbo dance. So does Hanson. So do Raiders players, who must wonder whether one of their practices will be interrupted by a perp walk. So do Raiders fans, who see their team starting to maybe perhaps possibly make progress, only to see more ridiculous organizational turmoil on the horizon.
What’s the deal, anyway? Why no resolution yet to the Throwdown in Winetown? On Monday, Lieberstein left a message on his answering machine for reporters. The message said, in part: “At this time I have no new information to add and do not anticipate any decisions coming out of this office in the next, at least, couple days. I would urge you to check back again probably later in the week.”
In other words, chill out with some Chardonnay while we take some more time deciding, you know, exactly what the role of a defensive backfield quality control coach might be.
This can’t be so complicated. Can it? We know most of the basic details of the Aug. 5 episode. Cable was holding a meeting with some of his defensive coaches — coordinator John Marshall, plus assistants Hanson, Lionel Washington and Willie Brown.
The meeting, according to Hanson’s attorney, involved a demotion of Hanson to a lesser job. He got upset. Words grew heated. One coach (supposedly Hanson) called another (supposedly Marshall) a liar. According to Hanson, Cable then jumped him and shoved him into a table and then the wall. The other coaches broke up the altercation. Hanson then went back to his room before the jaw pain grew too much and he went to the emergency room.
If that version of the story is true, Cable certainly should be charged with something. If it’s not true, then he might not be guilty of anything. Either way, by now, he deserves to know.
Of course, this being the Raiders, nothing is simple. It is said that Hanson entered the meeting room with some baggage. It is said he was almost dementedly passionate about the Raiders, which is why owner Al Davis hired him and kept him on the staff through many other changes. It is said that Hanson therefore was regarded as Davis’ de facto spy in the coaching offices. It is said that Hanson, not a tactful fellow, was not above invoking Davis’ name in meetings as a do-not-mess-with-me tactic. It is said that Cable was sick of it and wanted Hanson demoted to mere film work.
It is said that I have developed many headaches while trying to figure out the whole stupid soap opera. And where it will all end. And whether the Napa authorities know what they’re doing.
Look, any of us who have been around football can figure out why the investigation has been stalled. When police interviewed the other coaches in the room — Marshall, Washington and Brown — they were interviewing people who owe their jobs to Cable. And to Davis.
So. What are those coaches going to say? Probably that, gee, you know, they aren’t really sure what happened and that all of a sudden the two guys were just fighting. Sorry. It all happened so fast.
Hanson’s lawyer, John McGuinn of San Francisco, said he will file a civil suit sooner or later. So we might learn the truth, eventually. But, meanwhile, do you know who could help the most? The NFL office and commissioner Roger Goodell. It is appalling that so far Goodell has taken a hands-off approach to the case, claiming he is waiting to see what the Napa authorities discover and decide.
That’s no excuse. In the past, invoking the NFL’s code of conduct, Goodell has suspended many players for on-field fights before any legal convictions. Goodell also could lower the boom here with a stern probe and action — unless he’s just wary of the league getting involved in another annoying Raiders mess that might involve a lawsuit.
If that’s the case, shame on the commissioner. Unlike the police, who have no real leverage against memory-challenged assistant coaches, Goodell could summon them and say: “Look, I want to know exactly what happened. Or I’m going to suspend all of you until I find out. We’ll take care of this and move on.”
Simple, right? It would sure beat the Napa limbo, the dance of dithering Barneys.