I once asked participants at a conference for some words of wisdom from their own lives that I could add to a collection. Their responses were wonderful, but one stood out for me. It was from former Hawai'i first lady Lynn Waihee, who shared some advice given to her by her mother. "Rather than praising your children directly," she said, "let them catch you praising them to family and friends." I loved the sentiment. It reflected Old World values mixed with a bit of rural psychology.

Now, to be honest, my wife and I have never been stingy with our praise, to our child or to each other. In fact, quite the opposite; we are nothing if not luxurious. I am not sure what that says about us or what impact it will have on our daughter, but it is the truth and reflects who we are as parents and people.

Yes, we share our feelings, but sometimes it is what you don't hear that really matters. And therein lies the wisdom of Lynn's mother. My wife knows how we feel about her; we tell her that we love her every day, but one day, I wish she would "catch" my daughter and me when "Mom" is the topic of conversation. She would find that for all she does, it is the little things that matter.

Like last Wednesday, while driving to school, my daughter and I talked about Mom. We laughed out loud at Mom's inability to solve license plates. You know, those vanity plates like NRGIZE or SK8TR or HOONEW; she just can't figure those things out. Sometimes she will stare at them and mumble to herself like a mathematician trying desperately to solve an equation, only to have my daughter beat her to the punch and blurt out the answer from the back seat.

We marveled at her caring. On school days, Mom is the first out of bed. She gets ready, wakes us up, feeds the dogs, then the family, packs the lunches and heads to work while we scarf down breakfast. Despite the full morning, she still manages to leave the house before us, get to school before her staff, and set up the classroom before the preschoolers arrive. All of this is very impressive, but more important to my daughter and me are the good-morning kisses, lunch-box notes and morning pep talks.

Yes, Mom is committed to all she does, but most of all, she is committed to her family. She knows that we love her and appreciate all that she does because we tell her so. Still, she doesn't know that she is the center of our world, even when she's not with us. When things get tough, we turn to her for help, sage advice and inspiration. No, Mom doesn't know that we talk about her. And while she may know that we love her, she can't possibly appreciate the fact that what matters most is that she loves us. Her love makes us both better. I am a better husband, and our child is a better daughter. Like most moms, she probably doesn't know or think much about these things — until now.

Michael C. DeMattos is on faculty at the University of Hawai'i Myron B. Thompson School of Social Work. Born and raised on the Wai'anae Coast, he now lives in Kane'ohe with his wife, daughter, two dogs, two mice and 1,000 worms.