They can laugh about it now, but when the Schmidt brothers were younger, they waged the kind of sibling wars that turn parents gray.

Like the time Damon Schmidt woke up to find Davin, eight years his junior, peeing on him while he slept.

Or the time Damon and his friends wrapped Davin in duct tape. When he escaped, Davin chased the kids around the house with a World War II bayonet.

And the last time they tangled: Damon, tired of his younger brother's refusal to get out of bed for high school, dragged Davin by the ear into the shower, turned on the water — and got slugged. Damon then sought to get back at his brother by choking him.

"I would seek revenge whenever I got messed with," said Davin Schmidt, now a 23-year-old University of Hawai'i student of finance. "I would get a stick and hit him in his sleep. He would wake up and I would get kicked or something, when I was trying to run out of his room. I would end up crying — and my mom would freak out on my brother."

BLAMING THE PARENTS

In the landscape of families, it's easy to find siblings who can identify with the Schmidts, even if no one wound up in tears. But the reasons that prompt children to fight may surprise parents: Experts lay the blame on adults who unwittingly generate feelings of inferiority when they dole out attention unevenly.

"Sometimes a parent has a stronger relationship with one child over another," said Clare Rountree, a Honolulu psychologist who specializes in adolescent behavior and families. "They may not notice that consciously, but that can influence how that child feels in terms of self-worth."

A child with a talent that one parent really values can leave the other sibling in doubt about the family pecking order.

"If siblings don't feel a similar or equal amount of love, that can lead to fighting and resentment," Rountree said.

As a way to disarm possible resentments, Rountree encourages families to celebrate each child's accomplishments.

One simple way is to turn a child's event into a family outing, Rountree said.

"Every child in a family needs to feel valued for their special talent," she said. "As much as possible, attend the child's event together, siblings included. That really reinforces that the family is there to support one another."

That philosophy seems to be working for Peter Britos and his family. The artist and clothing entrepreneur has three children, including two teenage daughters who are competitive golfers and avid bodysurfers. Ever since they were young, the family has made a point of doing things together, Britos said.

"With the two girls, we work together on art and stuff like that, but my wife and I have made it a point to have the kids play together, whether it is sports or with their friends," he said. "They have grown up in a space where they are not fighting all the time. We haven't just left them up to their devices."

They bicker, although Britos said they learned long ago that looking out for each other is paramount, especially when Kaili, 17, and Malielani, 15, are bodysurfing.

"What it instills, is that you have to watch each other's back," Britos said.

ANIMOSITY IS OVER

For all their fighting, the Schmidt brothers survived each other. They reached an informal truce when Davin was about 14.

These days, the brothers say they don't view their history with lingering animosity.

But Damon, the older brother, insists he was the one who was punished more often by his parents.

"They seemed to like to discipline me," he said. "I was the one who got spanked."

Although nothing they ever did while growing up was followed by an apology, they've become friends as adults, said Damon, now a 32-year-old Honolulu attorney. They surf together and sometimes meet for beers.

"I think we were just wild kids," he said, laughter spilling into his conversation. "People always say, 'Is your brother like you?' I say, 'No, he is worse.' They can't believe it."

EXPERT ADVICE

Honolulu psychologist Clare Rountree (www.rountreepsychology.com) offers these tips for parents trying to referee rivalrous children:

• Be sure to recognize and support each child's unique talents and abilities.

• As much as possible, make each child's event a family affair — to reinforce the idea that everyone supports that child.

• Create regular outings that the entire family participates in, and be sure to involve everyone in any discussion about what the family will be doing.

• Don't be afraid to consult a trained expert, such as a psychologist, who can provide an objective solution.