For some, the holidays are all about the array of neighborhood light displays, mall Santas and gift lists. For others, the holidays may bring chaos and difficult memories, more comparable to a melodrama than a holiday classic. Regardless, one thing is for certain: The holidays mean time spent with family.

"The reason the holidays are so difficult is because it's one of the times of the year that we have a sense in our minds and hearts of how it should be," said Kristina Davis, licensed clinical social worker and senior therapist for Family Counseling Associates in Appleton, Wis. "We feel that people should be loving and kind, and we have that image in our minds and hearts; and when we compare the realities to that, it's even more painful."

Traditions and time spent together are important for families, and the hustle and bustle of having to attend multiple celebrations can add to holiday stress.

"Even families that don't have a lot of pain and suffering sometimes deal with a lack of an emotional connection, especially if your family is not close, or if the gathering seems boring and dull," Davis said.

The good news is that there are strategies that everyone can use to make holiday gatherings less stressful and, dare we say, even enjoyable.

For one, consider spreading out visits throughout the holiday season, so that you are not on a busy treadmill like the characters in "Four Christmases."

In the movie, now out on DVD, upscale, happily unmarried San Francisco couple Kate (Reese Witherspoon) and Brad (Vince Vaughn) find themselves trudging to not one, not two, but four relative-choked festivities, increasingly mortified to find childhood fears raised, adolescent wounds reopened and their very future together uncertain. By the end of the day, all is reconciled — but you probably wouldn't want to spend your holiday that way.

BE PREPARED FOR CONFLICT

Preparing for conflict may sound unpleasant when dealing with relatives. However, emotional struggles are indeed internal conflicts that require a planned and proactive approach.

Three matters can contribute to a negative family gathering experience: personality, mental illness and past memories.

"If it's a personality difference, you just have to have good boundaries and understand that people are different," Davis said.

In regard to dealing with mental illness, one of the most common is alcoholism, she said. People who have an alcohol problem typically have an anxiety disorder or some other mental illness they are trying to self-medicate.

"And then the third thing, which can come from the past two, are the past hurts and memories you have with that person that you are dealing with," Davis said.

Whether it's one or all of the above, Davis guides her clients to identify which emotion the person is causing them to feel. Once this is determined, it is easier to prepare and plan how to handle having to spend time with them.

"One of the things that you really want to do to prepare is to actually go over in your mind what is going to happen with this person and how this person is going to behave," she said. "If you have expectations that this person won't be the way they always are, then you could be setting yourself up for disappointment."

LOOK FOR THE POSITIVES

When the situation gets difficult, Davis suggests some affirmations.

"You may want to create a short sentence that you can say to yourself when you start to get upset, such as 'I can handle this situation' or 'I'm not going to let this person upset me.' They usually work quite well."

Another way to disarm negativity is to give compliments. If someone brings a dish, praise it.

Look for the positives. No matter how bad things seem to be, there is always something good to be thankful for or to appreciate.

CELEBRATE, SPEND QUALITY TIME

After the event, look at your goals and see if your approach was successful.

"It also helps to plan something fun to do after the event," Davis said. "If you have that to look forward to before you even go, it's a way to reward yourself for surviving the event."

The holidays also can be less stressful by thinking more in terms of quality time and appreciation for one another. This is especially important when it comes to children.

"It's normal for kids to want gifts, but it is not the gifts that help them experience your love," Davis said. "Instead of giving a bunch of toys, families may consider a weekend together at a water park. The toys aren't going to last, but the memories are going to last forever."