From: Al-Qaida Dept. of Recruiting, Terror and Goat Wrangling

To: The Troops

Hi there, troops. Listen, not to be critical, but our recruiting programs leave a lot to be desired. The point of jihad is to infiltrate Western institutions and strike terror in the heart of infidels. Now, true, because of budget problems we've had to consolidate some departments and that has caused a certain amount of confusion. While goat wrangling was put under the operational umbrella with recruiting and terror, it was not intended that goat wrangling become a major focus of this department. There has been far too much goat wrangling and not enough recruiting and striking fear in the heart of infidels.

When it comes to recruiting, you were asked to think outside the goat pen. Yet, you continue to recruit swarthy, dark-complexioned, bearded men to our ranks. Fellas, you are not thinking outside the goat pen, you are recruiting inside the goat pen. The last class of recruits actually were goat herders, for instance.

So let us be a tad more specific. You no doubt learned on your iPhones and laptops about a little incident at the White House in Washington D.C. involving a serious breach of security. A tall, slinky blonde bombshell and her husband managed to crash President Obama's first state dinner by simply walking past the U.S. Secret Service. The blonde bombshell then commenced to shake hands with the president, press her large American chest against Vice President Joe Biden while giving him a wedgy from behind and pose for photos with the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff and half of the Senate Select Committee on Homeland Security. Imagine if that blonde bombshell actually had been a bombshell. Blooie. Terror would have been struck in the very heart of the heart of infidels.

Why have we not been recruiting slinky blonde bombshells into our programs? Do you think a swarthy, bearded goat wrangler would have been able to slip right past the vaunted Secret Service? No, friends, he wouldn't. He would be staying at Six Flags Over Guantanamo right now getting "Omared." We can learn from this busty American infidel in the striking red gown. Attitude, fellas. It's all about attitude. Did she highjack a jet? No she didn't. All she did was have her hair and makeup done at a posh infidel beauty emporium and call a limousine. And she didn't even get arrested! No Guantanamo for this girl. She's going to have her own reality TV show.

Slinky blonde bombshells being largely unavailable in northern Pakistan, we will emulate them. We will pitch our own reality show to the Bravo network: "Sexy Sexy Wives of Kandahar." We will infiltrate many Washington parties. Abdul, hand out the high-heeled shoes, slinky dresses and peroxide. And, for Allah's sake, shave the beards, you swarthy goat wranglers.