I'm a bit embarrassed to report that I suffer from A Reptile Dysfunction. I know, A Reptile Dysfunction should be a private issue. But I've learned that A Reptile Dysfunction is spreading to households all over the island. And it's time that we all speak publicly about this scourge. A Reptile Dysfunction threatens the very culture of Hawai'i.

You have probably guessed that the dysfunctional reptile I am referring to is the insidious "brown anole" lizard, a creature of frightening appearance and even more frightening appetite. If you, too, suffer from A Reptile Dysfunction, then you know that these lizards are brownish in color, aggressive in nature and quite comfortable in your living room. Unlike those charming knucklehead house geckos who have the courtesy to hide behind curtains or framed pictures on the wall, the brown anoles live on the ground and tromp though your house like they own the place. They apparently came to Hawai'i from the Caribbean. And like that famous bobsled team in the movie "Cool Runnings" that was told it didn't belong in the Olympics, it's time we told these Caribbean reptile interlopers: "You don't belong here, Jamaica."

Why? Because they just have a very dysfunctional attitude. They don't know how to hang loose like other mellow species that have made Hawai'i home. They run at the speed of sound, are able to leap small lawnmowers and, although they are only the size of a ballpoint pen, have no fear of any other animal. One of them jumped on my dog Boomer and rode him around the garage like a rodeo pony. I saw three brown anoles roughing up the neighbor's cat just for sport. I came across one brown anole in the driveway after getting home from running errands one day (I was running the errands, not him) and he stared me down like Al Pacino in "Scarface." I mean, I actually walked AROUND the brute just to avoid a nasty confrontation.

Brown anoles eat just about anything, including crickets, grasshoppers, roaches and spiders. They even eat their own skin. For real. They molt their skin in large flakes and eat them like pita chips. They also are known to be fond of chowing down on their cousins, the much more laid-back green anole lizard. But the worst thing is that the brown anoles are eating our beloved Official State Reptile, the gecko, out of house and home. Literally.

These brown beasts consider geckos "the other green meat" and not only eat them but devour their eggs, too. That's the reason you don't see as many geckos anymore; they've either been eaten alive or have entered the Gecko Protection Program and are living elsewhere on the island under false identities. ("Gecko? Me? No, no ... I'm just a very small mongoose with a skin condition.")

The brown anole is threatening to disrupt the entire animal kingdom of Hawai'i and there is nothing to stop it. Their main predators are snakes and birds. Sadly, we are short on snakes and, as for birds, well, I saw a brown anole riding on the back of a mynah bird like Harry Potter on a broom stick. Apparently birds also suffer from A Reptile Dysfunction.