On Thursday nights, Jesse Stetson can exhale.

He waves goodbye to his wife, says goodnight to his three young sons and heads down the street to his neighborhood bar for a few hours of pool with his buddies.

Stetson doesn't want it to sound selfish, but the night out is crucial to his sanity.

It's beer, jokes and back-slapping. It's men being men and not having to apologize for howling at the moon when the mood suits them. In other words, it's guy time.

"I guess it's a reprieve from the everyday, day-to-day looking out for everything," said Stetson, a 37-year-old real estate agent from Hawai'i Kai. "It is a break from worrying about too many things and getting a chance to talk or act the way you did in college and maybe regressing a little bit."

There are limits, of course, to how much howling one should do. But there's support for the value of time spent pursuing a hobby or hanging with the boys — even if it's at a pool hall or cigar bar — as an opportunity to refresh and reinforce a sense of self.

The separation of the sexes can even strengthen a relationship, said Honolulu psychologist Mitzi Gold, director of the Mars & Venus Counseling Center.

"When we get older, we look for a one-on-one relationship," she said. "But it is also important that we continue to nurture ourselves individually and to nurture our friendships, because they are an important part of our social network. They help us keep our lives balanced."

Gold isn't saying men should ignore their spouses.

"But to have a full life, you need lots of different activities," she said. "There is more to us than what we can share with an intimate partner."

Could be something to that. Even President Obama cherishes his guy time.

Before Major League Baseball's All-Star game this summer, Obama told interviewer Bob Costas his "most precious time" comes along after 9:30 p.m., when his family is asleep and he can watch ESPN's "SportsCenter."

REFUGE AND A BREAK

Stetson's weekly airing is always at The Shack, a bar and burger joint in Hawai'i Kai. He's gone there to play in a weekly pool tournament every Thursday for much of his marriage — about nine years, he thinks.

About a fourth of the 16 regulars are married guys just like Stetson, who figures he has only missed a handful of Thursdays, including the night his first son was born.

The pool tables have become a sanctuary.

"Your conversations with your male friends are much less oriented toward fixing the problems in your life," he said. "They tend to be on the lighter side. On the few occasions that they do get deeper, it is your best friends you are confiding in."

For the guys who visit South Pacific Pipes & Cigars in Honolulu, the shop not only offers them an outing, but serves as a refuge, said manager Dennis Huddy.

"A lot of it is so they can get together with the other guys here, so they can have a place to smoke without other guys giving them a hard time," he said. "So this is a haven. They come here and sit down and relax."

Male camaraderie isn't always the most important goal, though. Mano Nguyen, a self-described "happily married" Makiki husband who has been hitched for about two years, said every couple needs a break.

"You can't be around each other 24/7," he said. "You have to get out there and mix with your boys or play some sports. You need to multi-task. Chest pounding and fist pumping."

Nguyen, a 37-year-old partner in Talent HR Solutions, a human resources company, plays tennis, volleyball and basketball.

The key to his guy time lies in making sure he also spends quality time with his wife when they are together.

"Don't neglect the thing that shouldn't be neglected," he said.

CAVE MAN TIME

Gervin Miyamoto found his guy time sanctuary within the confines of his own home. He created his own "man cave," a room in his Newtown home dedicated to testosterone-laced pursuits.

Man caves are popular on the Mainland, where basements are often turned into elaborate subterranean shrines to manly things. Miyamoto's room is at the bottom of a spiral staircase.

Miyamoto describes it as a living room, but it features a wine chiller, a refrigerator, a bar with a sink, a microwave, a full bathroom and a bedroom. It goes without saying that Miyamoto also has a 46-inch, high-definition, flat-screen TV with a sound-enhancement speaker system — and it isn't so he can watch "Masterpiece Theatre."

But the 58-year-old Miyamoto, a retired Honolulu police lieutenant now working for the U.S. Attorney's office, has a sensitive side that emerges in his man cave. He's not above chores.

"I'm down there three times a week," he said. "Sometimes I will do the laundry and I am watching golf or football on that huge screen. I love it. I can go down there whenever I want. It is a good shelter for me."

Before he got his man cave — when the family moved last summer — Miyamoto was relegated to a small bedroom. His wife understood his desire for his own space, though, even if she didn't agree with his need to leave the toilet seat up, Miyamoto said.

"I think it's great for relationships," he said. "You have all that space. Being next to each other, face-to-face all the time in that cramped conditions can increase the blood pressure. Men and ladies are two different creatures."

At Stetson's Hawai'i Kai home, his wife, Nozomi, discovered that she liked it when her husband left her for a few games of pool. It was a pleasant surprise.

"When he is here at home, he is watching TV or on the computer," she said. "There is noise everywhere. So it's kind of relaxing."

But there's a sweet side to all of it, the balance to a night out. Part of the deal is that Jesse Stetson has to bring home his wife's favorite meal, regardless of the hour.

"So at 11 or 12 o'clock I go home and bring hot wings to my wife as a thank you," he said. "We sit down together and eat our hot wings and go to bed."