The obsession begins at birth: "Is the baby hungry?"

Studies have shown that breast-fed infants have increased immunity, decreased allergies, and possibly higher IQs. No wonder many current expectant couples maintain a "breast is best" mentality, often in stark contrast to their own parents to whom formula and an early introduction to solid foods meant freedom from sleep deprivation.

Lactation consultants now exist to assist new mothers, who are often unable to learn techniques from the previous generation.

My brother and I, for example, were solely formula-fed, and rice cereal was given early on to my husband.

Even after our daughter was born, the grandparents were eager to participate in feeding. However, nursing was naturally the domain of mother and child, closed doors and voluminous shawls shielding others from the process.

The idyllic portrayals of mothers nursing babies in childcare magazines proved not to be the case for us.

Perhaps we started off wrong, trying to sleep when the lactation consultant first stopped by, and inadvertently leaving our book containing feeding guidelines at home. After an agonizingly long night of listening to our newborn wail, my husband encountered the pediatrician conducting his early morning rounds.

"Sounds like she's hungry," was the expert's verdict.

A nurse offered to provide our daughter supplemental formula, but we declined, hoping colostrum could instead fill her little tummy. Already I was in major pain: bleeding, cracked, and seeing stars with every latch-on. Still, the infant remained underweight.

Back at home, we were placed on a grueling routine of awakening every two hours around the clock to nurse and then valiantly attempt to feed the neonate formula from a cup without spilling half of it.

Soon thereafter we moved to an equally exhausting schedule of nursing, pumping and bottle supplementing every three hours. Or was it the other way around? It was an extreme blur to me and my husband.

All we knew was that we were positive our daughter had gained weight — didn't her cheeks look chubbier to our delirious eyes? — only to be crushed by the reality of the hospital scale.

Thus began a true physical ordeal, dealing with sleep deprivation, mastitis, plugged ducts and the like. We juggled pumps, cups, bottles and even a device called the supplemental nursing system, whereby the infant latches on simultaneously to the mother and a tube, much easier said than done.

Despite help, the root problem, a low milk supply, never rectified itself. Nursing remained painful. After four months, we ended the ordeal, hoping that by then our child had received at least some breast-feeding benefits.

Thankfully, nursing is going smoother with our second baby, but our experience with our firstborn provided an important but literally painful lesson that despite our foremost efforts, there are things that remain beyond our control.

For parenting and other 'ohana-related issues, if we have done our best, we can be at peace with the outcome.

Monica Quock Chan is a freelance writer who lives in Honolulu with her husband and children.