Q. Our almost 4-year-old son has taken to saying nasty things to us. Last night, for example, when my husband was reading him a bedtime story, he said, "I don't love you anymore Daddy, and I want you to move out of our house". We don't know where he is picking this stuff up or why he's doing this. We've explained that comments of that sort hurt people's feelings, but it seems to make no difference. Lately, we've been sending him to his room for about 20 minutes for his "nasty talk." Upon release he promises to say "nice things" yet the nasty comments keep coming. Should we continue to punish, or just ignore this?

A. Let's take the issues one at a time. First, you don't know where he's picking up the nasty talk. Where does a toddler who's never been to day care pick up "You're not the boss of me!"? Children sometimes think of things on their own, and a good number of the things in question are attributable to nothing more than being human; ergo, being obstinate, willful, and even perverse. Second, you probably have succeeded at getting him to understand that some of his comments hurt other people's feelings (actually, he probably already knew that), but that doesn't mean he cares. In fact, going back to what I said above, knowing that he's hurting other people's feelings may actually make "nasty talk" all the more satisfying.

America slipped into Child-rearing La-La Land in the 1960s and we've been stuck there ever since. Part of the la-la involves the belief that all child behavior can be explained in terms of psychological mechanisms when in fact some behavior is "just the way it is." The la-la has it that children are inherently good, when the preponderance of evidence suggests otherwise. You do not have to teach bad. You have to teach good, and sometimes, even if you teach it, the bad persists. So sometimes you have to force good and keep on forcing it until the child cries "Uncle!"

Ironically, the new, psychological point of view has fostered tremendous anxiety over children. In days gone by, responsible parents took child-rearing seriously, but they took their children with the proverbial grain of salt. Today, responsible parents take both childrearing and their children very, very seriously. As a consequence, the humor has all but completely drained out of parenting. So a child says something completely ridiculous like "I don't love you any more Daddy, and I want you to move out of the house," and today's parents become instantly anxious. And their anxiety causes them to start talking to the child in question because today's parents also think proper talking will solve all problems.

In my latest book, "Parenting by The Book," I call this "ya-da, ya-da discipline." And suddenly the child finds himself sitting at the controls of the family. The "power corrupts" principle kicks in, and the problem worsens, which results in more parental over-reaction, and in no time at all, there's a mountain where there could have been a molehill. The next time you have the opportunity to respond to a nasty comment, try something along these lines: "Oh, I am moving out. Tomorrow. I'm going to live in a hotel. Or maybe I'll build a hotel just for me and make it look like a castle because I've always wanted to live in a castle and be a king. And when I'm king of my own hotel castle, you can come see me and you can even come to my birthday party at the castle. There'll be clowns and horses and even ephalumps. Won't that be fun?" And then I'd have kissed him goodnight and left the room. And everyone would have slept well that night.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.