Posted on: Friday, July 18, 2008
Resilience is a skill to teach your child
By Doreen Nagle
Gannett News Service
Being able to bounce back from life's inevitable disappointments (in other words, the ability to be resilient) is a major factor in determining the quality of one's life. It's a skill worth teaching your children for that very reason. Follow this primer — and if you, yourself, are not very resilient, well, hopefully you'll benefit along with your little ones.
Resiliency is a habit that should be introduced at an early age. And if it's a habit, it can be taught the same way table manners or cleaning one's room can be taught. Judith Roseberry of the California Association for the Gifted called it a "habit of the mind."
Instead of allowing your children to luxuriate in self-pity, show them alternatives. To a large extent, we are what we believe about ourselves. Children who are conditioned to fail can believe they are preprogrammed for failure and therefore make choices that ensure failure. However, once these children tell themselves they are capable, intelligent beings who occasionally hit a rough spot, they will perform to this more positive belief. They will "bounce back."
HOW TO BE HELPFUL
When your toddler takes an accidental tumble, it's OK to let her brush it off (after you check for any serious damage, of course). She will benefit more from a "Let's get back to playing" response from you rather than if you swoop her up and take her home fussing over her spill and possible injuries. Children learn what we teach them, and if we teach them to focus on the negative, that's what they learn. Empower her: When your toddler falls stand her back up and divert her attention from the tumble.
When your 7-year-old makes mistakes on his spelling test, it's important to let him know everyone makes mistakes. Making mistakes is just part of the learning process of being a human. So, dust off the dictionary, and help him learn new words to spell. He can study for a test a little bit each day and look up the words in the dictionary. Planning ahead is one of the best ways to take action. Preparation has been known to forestall disappointment.
If friends reject your 9-year-old, help him see that if these so-called friends are mean to him, they are not the kids he'd want to play with anyway. Tell him there's a whole world of people out there. Then role-play with him how he can meet new friends — perhaps by joining a karate class or book club.
If your 14-year-old hits a brick wall when she tries to play her favorite piece on the piano, encourage her to not give up. Remind her to keep her original goals in mind and to memorize this statement: "There's always tomorrow." Explain that giving up is pointless: If she continues to strive she'll likely meet her goal and enjoy the "high" that a sense of accomplishment offers. On the other hand, giving up ensures the loss of any possibility of accomplishment — or empowerment.
Teaching children to bounce back doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to have their feelings of frustration, hurt or anger. Instead, they should learn how to move through those feelings — without becoming mired down in them.
