It sometimes happens that questions on a certain topic come at me in a wave, as has a recent spate of parental pleas for a solution to the perennial messy room — a child's, that is.

My general answer is to first establish specific, concrete standards of neatness and cleanliness (e.g., clothes put away, floor picked up, bed made) along with the understanding that "inspection" will be held at a certain time every day (e.g., after the child has left for school). If the room does not pass inspection, consequences are forthcoming.

For example, I recently recommended to a mom that if her 10-year-old son's room did not pass inspection after he had left for school, he incurred an early bedtime; and if the room failed inspection more than once during the school week, his weekend privileges were restricted. Three weeks later, Mom reported that her constant nagging had stopped; her son had been persuaded of the benefits of a neat, clean environment.

The occasional child — usually a teenager — will claim that he should be allowed to keep "his" room in any state he chooses. I agree, as long as the child is willing to shoulder "his" room's share of the mortgage, insurance and utilities. A child is not a boarder; he is a member of a family, and that membership (as do all memberships) carries with it certain obligations. It is irrelevant, by the way, that said child did not ask to be a member. He is a member, period, and because he benefits enormously from that arrangement, he is obligated to apply himself to certain standards, period. Under the circumstances, keeping one's room neat and clean is a small price to pay (not that it should be the only price). Besides, it is good discipline and can be justified on that basis alone.

When our kids were growing up, and after much nagging, Willie and I simply told them that if they did not clean their rooms, we would. Whenever we did so, however, we would feel free to go through drawers and closets and toss anything we felt the kids didn't need. It took one, maybe two, room purgings by Mom and Dad to persuade the kids that it was in their best interests to do the job themselves. Both of them are now married with children, and the word "fastidious" comes to mind.

Along those same lines, a mother recently shared her creative approach to the problem at hand. She was delighted to report that she had just finished cleaning her daughters' room.

"As I cheerfully went around cleaning up papers and trash," she wrote, "putting books on the shelf and throwing out stuff I found laying around, I remembered how I had once nagged, begged, yelled and generally harassed my kids to do things around the house. One day something clicked and I decided to stop fighting the same battle over and over and over again.

"I started a service in our home called Mom's Helping Hands. I made business cards on our home computer that listed the services I offer — room cleaning, chore finishing, picking up, kindling removal (one of our daughters stuffs paper into every available nook and cranny), and reminders. My motto, also printed on the cards, is 'So convenient you don't even have to call!' When I perform a service on behalf of one of the kids, I simply leave my card behind to indicate that I expect to be paid.

"Needless to say, the kids hate it, but not enough to never need my services. Of course, the price is often more than they were planning on paying (loss of one or more privileges, usually), to which I simply point out that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Our home stays neater and quieter, and instead of high blood pressure I now get a chuckle out of helping the kids with their responsibilities."

Which goes to show that sometimes the best way to beat 'em is to stop trying.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site, www.rosemond.com.