HELENA, Mont. — My husband and I had just ripped the '70s-style fluorescent lighting out of our kitchen ceiling, after debating this project for nearly two years, when the call came: Jim's company needed him to move to Denver.

With the kitchen a mess, our lives were upended once again. Now, just in time to start a new school year, we'll move a seventh time in 14 years. We're not going alone: We're dragging along our two daughters, Hope, age 9, and Grace, age 8. Also, a dog and a cat.

But no fish. Thank God, no fish.

This'll be the girls' fourth move, and Denver the fifth city they'll call home. Jim's job with The Associated Press has turned us into journalism gypsies.

Moving is traumatic. But here's a bit of good news: There are experts out there who can dispense advice on how to ease the pain. And sometimes a move can bring a family closer together.

Exhibit A: Hot off the presses is a book, "Moving with Kids" (Harvard Common Press) by Lori Collins Burgan, a social worker in Tampa, Fla. Her record beats mine. She moved 5 times in 7 years with her husband, Randy, and three children. They've been in Tampa for five years — an eternity for this family.

Talk with a pediatrician or a therapist, and many will echo what Burgan writes in her book: Listen to your children, encourage them to share their feelings, help them overcome any fears of the unknown, and make the move exciting and adventurous.

Children will react differently depending on their ages, with younger kids being more excited about moving and teenagers having more trouble, says Army Col. (Ret.) Douglas Waldrep, M.D., the medical director at Yahweh Children's Medical Center in Wilmington, N.C. A child and adolescent psychiatrist, he moved his two now-grown daughters five times while serving in the Army.

He advises telling children about the move as soon as possible, a sentiment echoed by Burgan.

"I've learned that it is important to have enough respect for your children and their feelings to make sure they learn about an upcoming move from you and your spouse in a private family setting," she wrote.

Andrew Garner, a pediatrician in Westlake, Ohio, says children up to the age of about 5 will adapt to the move, but they may show signs of stress by being clingy, needing extra attention and whining. Younger children have concrete worries about where they'll sleep and where their toys are living (and if the toys will ever return).

As early and as often as possible, conduct family conversations about the move, according to Karl Rosston, a social worker who works with kids in crisis in Helena, Mont. Expect children to share sadness and anger. Give them support.

TOUGHER FOR TEENS

"The big thing is to validate their experience and don't shut down their anger or sadness about leaving, because transitions and change are very difficult for kids and adolescents," he said. "You have to hear them out."

This is especially true for teenagers, who have a more difficult time separating from friends.

Garner suggests encouraging teenagers to write their thoughts in a journal if they don't want to speak about them. Teenagers need to be reminded that friendships don't have to end because of a move. E-mail and phone calls can keep friendships alive.

"Make it clear that the relationship is going to change, but it doesn't need to die," he said.

Garner also suggests encouraging teenagers to "buy into" the move by enlisting their help. Give them access to the Internet and "make them the information officer," he said. They can research their new city for the entire family.

He advises giving every member of the family, no matter their age, a role in the move. Younger kids can be "the box taper" or "the dog sitter," he said.

"Giving children simple moving tasks can help them deal with the extra energy and stress," he said.

A move brings with it so many overwhelming feelings of powerlessness for children, Burgan said. They weren't able to make that one, big decision — whether or not to move — so allow them to make a few of the lesser ones.

In Waldrep's case, he let his teenager choose the date for one of their moves.

"She was part of the planning for it," he said. "It really made a difference."

THE 'BUDDY SYSTEM'

Where new schools are concerned, be your children's champion, said Burgan. Younger children may need special attention from a teacher, or the teacher may need to assign a "buddy" to help a child get acclimated.

On the upside, a move can bring a family closer together. Family members spend a lot of time together before acclimating to a new town and making new friends. A tightly knit nucleus may follow.

"If a family is actively going out there and trying to be aware of each other's needs, it'll build good communication that'll serve them even when they're not in a stressful time," Garner said.

Back to my own family. My husband resorted to bribery to gin up a little excitement about the move: He promised a guinea pig to each daughter once we got settled.

Not likely condoned by any therapist, it sure gets him a lot of little-girl hugs.

MORE RECOMMENDATIONS

Some practical tips from Lori Collins Burgan's book "Moving with Kids: 25 Ways to Ease Your Family's Transition to a New Home" (Harvard Common Press):

• Research the schools in your new community online. Many states have a Web site with "report cards" for every school in the state. Research a particular school by reviewing its Web site.

• "Where you live determines how you live," Burgan writes. Strike up conversations with local people during your house-hunting trip and ask about neighborhoods, activities and events.

• Plot your new home, library, school, parks, etc., on a map to help your children visualize their new community.

• Give your children tasks related to the move and dependent on their level of maturity.

• Ask your young child's new teacher to "buddy" your child with another student.

• Attend the first day of class with your young child to ease the transition. (Preteens and teens prefer to blend in with the crowd.)

• Assign to each kid a backpack for storing what they can't live without during the move. Include items that will keep them entertained during the move.

• Put a gold star on one of the packing boxes - and perhaps a wrapped, inexpensive toy for each child inside of it. Challenge your children to find "the special box" in the new home.

• When your kids get bored or lonely, stop what you are doing and pay attention to them. Take time to talk, play, walk or cry.

• In your new home, have two boxes available while unpacking — one for "trash" and another for "donations."

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http://forums.hawaiimoms.com/viewtopic.php?t=957">Moving house? Kids can take it hard.