Q. Is it appropriate for a preschool teacher to punish a 4-year-old for not singing during a music lesson? My daughter was not being disruptive, just not singing with the group. Her teacher punished her by not allowing her to participate in a free-time activity. Also, should I punish her for not saying goodbye when the teacher speaks to her at the end of the day? She looks at the teacher, but won't speak.

A. Without knowing the background to the situation, I would have to say for the teacher to punish your daughter for not singing was a bit over the top. To equate not singing with, say, refusing to pick up toys is quite a stretch. Either the teacher needs a vacation or she is more than a little exasperated with your daughter.

If the latter, then perhaps the two of them are in a power struggle within which your daughter's strategy is to passively oppose the teacher's authority. In any case, the teacher did not properly handle your daughter's silence during the group sing-along and may be generally mismanaging her. It may be that moving your daughter to another class or even finding another program would be in everyone's best interest.

The fact that your daughter doesn't look the teacher in the eye when the teacher speaks to her is further evidence of a power struggle. On the other hand, if this is typical of your daughter, then start holding daily practice sessions at home. Nonthreatening "rehearsals" of that sort are a good way to help children develop social skills.

Q. In looking over the last 25 years of your work, I've discovered that in one place you said a 3-year-old should spend no more than three minutes in time out, but in another you recommended sending the same age child to her room all day. I'm a bit confused.

A. Once upon a time, I was a believer in time out. If the truth were known, I probably had a lot to do with its popularity. In retrospect, my belief was not based on objective evidence, but was the result of my having gotten caught up in a trend. (Ouch!) I have since come to the conclusion that time out is the most ineffectual punishment ever devised. At best, its usefulness is limited. It works fairly well with some toddlers (but not at all with others) and very well with children who are already well-behaved. I finally had to admit, however, that I'd never been a witness to or heard of even one instance where time out had cured a major behavior problem.

That was more than 10 years ago, and the record is still clean. Time out was part of a backlash against the punitive discipline associated with traditional parenting. Supposedly, punishment lowered self-esteem — a claim that rested on no objective evidence. Furthermore, the latest research finds a correlation between high self-esteem and anti-social behavior. In other words, high self-esteem needs lowering.

For a consequence to deter future misdeeds, the consequence must serve to form a long-term memory. Time out is eminently forgettable.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.