Posted on: Wednesday, August 1, 2007
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VOLCANIC ASH
Joking around about 80-something senators
By
David Shapiro
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I was looking through tongue-in-cheek reviews of the week's news that I write in my blog every Friday and was surprised at how many jokes I've aimed at our 82-year-old U.S. Sens. Daniel Inouye and Daniel Akaka.
I thought I'd better watch my un-PC mouth; I'm not so sprightly myself anymore, and if I'm fortunate enough to live into my 80s, I'd only hope to be as vital as Inouye and Akaka — or at least have a staff good enough to make me look vital.
I can't help but find humor, however, in the fact that we're the youngest state in the union, but have the oldest senatorial delegation.
And the senators open themselves to barbs with their pretensions of indispensability and refusal to consider any need for a transition. Inouye has announced that he'll run for reelection in 2010 at 86, and Akaka hints he may do the same in 2012 at 88.
Experience has its value, but when you have men who are not immortal claiming to be irreplaceable, you've got to figure there's serious trouble ahead.
I decided to get the age-based revelry out my system by reprising my favorite Inouye-Akaka jokes one last time and then knocking it off. Of course, good intentions could fall by the wayside if I think up another good one or the right book deal comes along.
Anyway, here are my nine favorite old senator jokes — and one young senator joke just to balance the mockery:
Sen. Daniel Inouye filmed ads supporting the re-election of fellow octogenarian Sen. Daniel Akaka. Good strategy. Next to Inouye, Akaka looks young.
A thief was arrested with a gun stolen from an 89-year-old man, who was probably keeping it for protection in case Democrats tried to run him for the U.S. Senate.
An 82-year-old man who was determined not to die in a public lua fended off a knife attack by a man 50 years his junior in a Mililani restroom. Now there's an octogenarian who could really fight for us in Congress.
After his election loss to Sen. Daniel Akaka, Ed Case has rolled his campaign surplus into a Case for Senate 2012 organization. He'll only be 60 then. He might have to wait until 2018 or 2024 before Hawai'i voters judge him ripe enough to serve in the Senate.
Voters rejected a constitutional amendment to end mandatory retirement for state judges, but jurists forced to retire at 70 should take heart. They're still young enough to be elected to three terms in the U.S. Senate.
Hawai'i has the highest life expectancy in the nation, a study says. I wonder if that's the entire population or just our U.S. senators.
Tomoji Tanabe, 111, was officially proclaimed the world's oldest man after Emiliano Mercado Del Toro of Puerto Rico died at 115. I can't believe anybody lived that long without serving in the U.S. Senate.
Bob Barker stepped down as host of "The Price is Right," saying, "I will be 83 years old on Dec. 12 and I've decided to retire while I'm still young." Hawai'i's 82-year-old senators Daniel Inouye and Daniel Akaka say they won't feel that young at least until they hit 90.
Astronomers using Mauna Kea's Keck telescopes have peered 13 billion light years back into time, farther than anyone ever has. Maybe we'll learn more about what life was like when Sens. Daniel Inouye and Daniel Akaka were boys.
And the young senator joke:
Hawai'i-born Sen. Barack Obama, taking his first step toward running for president, answered criticism that he's too young and inexperienced by shaking his rattle at detractors.
David Shapiro, a veteran Hawai'i journalist, can be reached by e-mail at dave@volcanicash.net. Read his daily blog at blogs.honoluluadvertiser.com.
