Q. My 8-year-old son is a poor sport. He's been asked to leave several sports programs because of rudeness to other players and disrespect to adults, but he doesn't seem to care. I think he's just not as sports-minded as his dad wants him to be. His teachers report that he is a bad sport if he can't be first to do whatever the class is doing. When other children make mistakes in class, he makes fun of them. What can we do to shape him up before he becomes the most unliked kid around?

A. First, you need to pull your heads out of the sand. It gives me no pleasure to tell you that you are not describing a child who is simply a "poor sport." As his teachers have told you, his behavior is a problem whether the context is or is not sports. Furthermore, this is obviously not a simple problem of not being "sports minded." Your son is exhibiting some very pronounced anti-social behaviors which are likely to worsen over time. For example, children who are verbal bullies at age 8 are likely to be physical bullies in their early teens. The anti-social child is nearly always described, by the way, as not caring what consequences ensue as a result of his or her behavior.

It's often but not always the case that children who frequently engage in anti-social behavior of this sort come from families where there is a high level of marital discord. If this describes your situation, then it's vital to your son's emotional and social health that you and your husband seek marriage and family counseling. Even if this doesn't apply, it would be a good idea for you to seek a family health evaluation from a professional.

When family health is not the issue, I've had the best outcomes with an approach I call "kicking the child out of the Garden of Eden."

The child in question comes home from school one day to find that his room has been "sterilized" — that all of his possessions save furniture and essential (not to include favorite) clothing have been transferred to a storage unit that the child cannot access. At that point, the child is put on a program that allows him to earn back possessions and privileges one at a time, starting with those he values least.

A comprehensive list of "misfit" behaviors is drawn up and a copy is given to the child. In this case, the list would include being rude to other children or adults, becoming angry if he can't be first, and so on. Next, after checking with his teacher, you have him write a one-page letter of apology to each child in his class or on a team that he has ever made fun of or been rude toward. He must also write a letter to his teacher and coaches. In these letters, he must also tell why the behavior was wrong. Future anti-social outbursts require more apology letters.

Every week, you meet with his teacher to get a progress report from her. On Friday evening, you have a home conference with your son at which his progress, or lack of it, is reviewed. He can earn nothing back for two weeks, after which good reports from his teacher along with good behavior at home results in the restoration of either one possession or one privilege.

Given the seriousness of this problem, you would do well to contract with a professional who can help coach you through the inevitable backsliding and relapses.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com.