Careful readers of the business pages know that Warren Buffett is ready to retire.

Not-so-careful readers, on the other hand, will probably say: "Really? Whoa. Dude, that bites."

But we're not talking about the guy in the aloha shirt you hear on the patio at Jimmy's every Wednesday night.

We're talking about the guy in Nebraska. The second-richest man in America. The investment guru. The man whose net worth is estimated at between $42 billion and $400 gazillion.

How good is Warren Buffett's advice? Well, if you had put $10,000 into his company, Berkshire Hathaway, when he took over in 1965, you'd have $30 million today. That's why they call the 75-year-old Buffett the "Oracle of Omaha."

Word has it he will step down soon and quietly ride off into the sunset, which he purchased in the mid-1970s. So we decided it might be a good idea, financially speaking, to pick Buffett's brain before he calls it quits. We gave him a call.

He immediately responded by not returning it, which is surprising since we have so much in common. Shoot, we both live near Council Bluffs, Iowa. We both love Dairy Queen's Dilly Bars. And we share a mutual fondness for 'ukuleles.

We keep a 'ukulele at our desk, so we can entertain appreciative co-workers with authentic Island music. Buffett, meanwhile, sold his 'ukulele on eBay recently for just more than $11,000.

And that's what separates people like him from people like us. That, and the occasional restraining order.

We called again and were waiting for a response when a light bulb went on. (The city, of course, immediately levied a franchise fee on it.)

The staff did some extensive research on the Oracle of Omaha and determined that his secret to obscene wealth is really quite simple: He invests in companies that make products he likes. He likes Dilly Bars, for example, so he bought Dairy Queen.

We asked ourselves: "How hard can it be?"

From the second our feet touched the floor the next morning, I started to assemble a portfolio: I shut off the alarm (Sony), made some coffee (Cuisinart), flipped on the television (Toshiba), grabbed the morning paper (Gannett) and began to use a series of products from Colgate Palmolive, Bausch & Lomb, Pfizer, Eli Lilly and Procter & Gamble.

Step No. 2 was to look up the stock symbol for each company and purchase one share. I would have bought more, but I have a small cash-flow problem because of an earlier, unrelated "investment." (Editor's note: I hate you, Cubs.)

By the time we got dressed (SKX, PERY) booted up the desktop (GTW), and went online (TWX) we had a list of nearly two dozen companies. We narrowed it to 10 and ponied up $412.81.

Exhausted, we sat down for a refreshing beverage (BUD) and waited for financial magic to happen.

At press time, the "Pope of Polk County" was in the hole $1.98.

Buffett still hasn't called back, so we've decided to give Plan B a try.

Do I hear $1 gazillion for this nifty 'ukulele?