So how come nobody acts stupid at the Wahine volleyball games?

Except, of course, the guys who stand by the tunnel and jump up and down whenever the KFVE camera points in their direction — but that's different. That's good-natured, happy stupid, not throwing beer, throwing blows, Halawa-style brawling stupid.

The widely acknowledged problem of drunken-game brawls are exclusive to UH football and no other sport.

There are actually a number of solid answers to this hypothetical question, according to folks in the know.

For one, the Stan Sheriff Center is big, but not as huge as Aloha Stadium. It's harder to get away with stuff and then get lost in the crowd. People are going to see. People will turn you in. Your own relatives will rat you out, if not to arena security, then to the family enforcer. This has been known to happen. Kids get home after a game, exhausted from spending two hours making monkey faces behind Chris McLachlin's head. Mama catches them as they walk in the door: "Uncle saw you folks on TV. He called. You kids not going any more games until you learn how to act and not make shame for the family." And Daddy has to sleep on the couch for a while.

Shame is still a powerful thing in our culture, despite the influence of CelebReality. It works for kids acting silly and adults acting stupid.

Another big factor is the timing of a volleyball game. There aren't long stretches of "what they doing NOW?" between plays. You can't get up to buy another beer because you might miss five points either way. Fast. Exciting. There's so much yelling and cheering to do, there's not even enough time to drink very much. A volleyball match doesn't stretch out hour after hour without a score. You have to really concentrate on your drinking to get polluted in that short amount of time.

Baseball can be an agonizingly slow game for spectators, but it's such a cerebral sport, with so many statistics and lists and equations to bounce around in your head, there's more to do than tank a keg. Plus, the hard-core aunties who go to the games will pull your ear if you get drunk and make any kind. And they pull hard.

Maybe the biggest factor involved in fan behavior is the tone of the game. Volleyball isn't a sport of violent physical contact. The aggression is more about finesse and high-level skill sets than brute strength and knock-'em-out domination. Players kill the ball, not each other. Football is about guys getting creamed. Watching volleyball usually doesn't foster the desire to punch out a stranger in the parking lot. (Well, maybe a few years back, but those girls graduated already.)

There are a host of other reasons. The fan base is different in volleyball and football. The fans come with a different expectation. And you don't have to hoist a few to ward off the chilly Halawa winds indoors in the Stan Sheriff.

So maybe the answer to curbing drunken violence at UH football games is to station fan cams around the stadium so no one can anonymously throw punches and then disappear into the crowd. Show it on the Jumbotron. Maybe the team can even set a good example of responsible behavior. They could do some PSAs or something. And maybe it would help if the Warriors won more often so the fans wouldn't have to drown their sorrows or swallow their boredom.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.