Can we blame it on all the participation trophies? Were egos artificially inflated all the times we told kids they were winners just for showing up?

Is it rap music or video games, showing us example after bad example of why you should reach for heavy weaponry at the smallest slight?

Was it the NFL? Al-Qaida? Ice dancing?

Is it the downtrodden public school system, the desperation of the poor, the vast gap between the haves and have-nots, the squeeze on the middle class — all the things that chip away at our ability to think we'll end up all right no matter what?

What is it that made "respect"— as defined as deference and obedience regardless of rank — the buzz word of the decade and the war cry of battles big and small?

When did "disrespecting" become a legitimate reason for a brawl, an affront so egregious that any retaliatory action is justified?

When did the charge of "disrespecting" become just about the worst thing you could say about a person?

We've read it in crime stories from around the country, where murders arise out of somebody "disrespecting" somebody with a gun.

The word has been flying around Olympic coverage, where athletes are accused of disrespecting the sport, disrespecting the team, disrespecting the flag.

In an essay criticizing UH interim President David McClain for his decision to move forward with the UARC, the main charge was that he showed "great disrespect" to those who disagree.

Lack of respect is very different from lack of agreement, but that seems too subtle a point in the X-treme sport of self-esteem. If you do not bend to my will, you are disrespecting me and you must suffer, or so it goes.

Esteem used to be something you worked for, not something you demanded. If someone didn't respect you, it was either motivation to work harder or a lesson in ignoring people whose opinions don't matter.

But now, opinion is everything. If someone thinks ill of you, their slurs and slights are as good as bullets and bombs. Sticks and stones may break bones but talking stink is deadly.

Is it the age of Internet that has led to short tempers and inflammatory reactions? Even the chief of the Honolulu police is not immune from anonymous snipers in the department. Who's disrespecting whom?

You even hear small children tantruming over someone "disrespecting" them by not letting them run wild in the store aisles.

Respect used to be something you earned and, more importantly, something you gave to yourself.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.