I've been looking for a few good meals. They are surprisingly hard to find.

The idea came to me late one night when I was eating a reheated burrito and watching Charlie Rose interview Thomas Keller, who runs the French Laundry, which has been called the best restaurant in America.

At the French Laundry, apparently, you don't just eat. You dine. You don't just dine. You experience the food. You don't just experience the food. You die and go to heaven.

Suddenly, my burrito didn't seem so appetizing.

One of the reasons the French Laundry — the restaurant, not the dry-cleaner — is so good is that you don't eat what you want to eat but only what the chef wants you to eat. Keller knows food better than you do, so go with it. It sounded a little bit like Belushi's samurai chef or Seinfeld's soup nazi, except with a French twist, but I'm one of those guys who trusts Charlie Rose (and public television) without reservations.

So I vowed to eat good food from then on.

Since the French Laundry is in Napa Valley, a night on the town was out.

Instead, I Googled a typical evening's menu from the restaurant, thinking maybe I could surprise my wife the next night with a little something special. Unfortunately, I didn't understand half of the offerings, which included, "sabayon" of pearl tapioca with bagaduce oysters and Iranian osetra caviar; curried "brunoise" of banana; moulard duck "foie gras au torchon," and Wolfe Ranch squab "cuit en sous vide." all of which put me in mind of a whole lot of restaurant cookbooks I've bought over the years and never opened.

Next, I decided that I could eat just as well on my own. I just had to shop right: Camembert, not cheese. Sirloin, not steak. Nalo greens, not lettuce. Heineken, not beer.

For a while, I even had visions of creating my own best-selling diet book, "Eat Well and Live," which would earn me enough money to afford a meal at the French Laundry, and make me thin and famous at the same time.

And for a few days, I managed to pull it off, mostly by making a bunch of fresh salads for dinner each night. This diet had a remarkable cleansing effect on my palate. It put new sparkle in my thoughts. It made me light on my feet and quick of mind. It made me feel virtuous. It made me hungry.

Pretty soon, I was slipping into my old ways. It turns out a man has urges that can't be satisfied by by lettuce alone, or Nalo greens. Even the addition of fresh chicken, salmon — and eventually sirloin — to my salad didn't help. Sooner or later, a man trying to eat well always falls off the wagon.

Next stop, Zippy's.

Reach Mike Leidemann at mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com.