Posted on: Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Even fictional loss feels big to children
By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer
Pop quiz, parents: What do you tell a swollen-faced 10-year-old who has just cried her eyes out after finishing "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"?
Or to better phrase the question, how do you talk to your child about death, even the fantasy-fiction kind?
"This could really be a window of opportunity to talk with kids about loss, especially if they haven't had any," said Dr. David Paperny, pediatrician and adolescent medicine specialist at Kaiser Permanente.
Here are some tips for parents on how to discuss the death of one of the series' most beloved characters to the kids who have long adored him:
Be aware: Younger readers may take the book more literally than older readers. The murder of one of the book's characters may be scary and traumatizing, experts say. According to the American Academy for Pediatrics, school-age children understand that death is an irreversible event. They will most likely have questions about what happens to someone who has died, what death feels like, where that person goes. Parents should be ready and prepared to talk about their concerns.
Be honest: The best thing you can do is be direct and honest during your discussions, experts advise. Kids are typically concerned about their own security and safety when confronted with death. Parents should reassure them that death is a natural part of life. It's important for parents to focus on the child's feelings for and relationship with the person who has died, rather than on death itself.
Be proactive: Parents should know what their children are reading, particularly if they react emotionally to something that happened in the book. For those parents who are also Harry Potter fans, reading the book together — or at least discussing it afterward — can be a fun and effective way to talk about the book's real-life issues. The death in the book may also raise questions of fairness and justice, Paperny added, both worth discussing.
Be sensitive: If your child isn't bouncing back after a day or so, consider that the book may have stirred up deeper feelings. It may be harder for children who have had a loss in their own lives — including a pet's death or a friend's moving away — and parents should be aware of their grief. "There's pain and bereavement," Paperny said. "The truth about life is you have joy and sadness, and that's all there is."
Reach Catherine E. Toth at ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com.
