When couples get into arguments, it often starts over issues such as money, sex, household chores, scheduling and children.

But within minutes, many couples are actually arguing about the argument itself, about how this fight and others are waged in the relationship, says John Gray, a family therapist and author of the popular "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

That's because many marital squabbles are rooted in the fact that the man and woman don't understand the other's emotional needs, he says. "There will always be differences in relationships which require compromise, but it's hard to compromise when you feel you are not being emotionally supported."

Women's three basic emotional needs are to feel cared about, understood and respected, Gray says. He believes men's emotional needs are to feel trusted, accepted and appreciated.

He thinks he's doing the loving thing, but he unknowingly gives her the message that he doesn't care how she feels or what she thinks. Instead, the husband should try to listen with empathy so she feels understood, Gray says. He can try to slow down the conversation and say, "What I hear you saying is that you ..."

Women need to understand men's emotional needs, too.

When a husband explains an idea he has or a decision he has made, and his wife asks a lot of questions, expresses doubt or says something like "That's a good idea, but ... ," he gets the message she doesn't trust him or accept his decisions, so his needs aren't being met.

Try to avoid posing questions that are indirect criticisms, such as "Is that what you're going to wear?" Gray advises.

If a woman can convey trust and acceptance even while disagreeing about the subject at hand, it encourages her husband.

Learning to meet these needs is difficult, Gray says. It's best if your parents set a wonderful example. If not, marriage education classes, therapists and specially trained coaches can help you learn the skills.

A woman needs to feel she is special in her husband's eyes, Gray says. A man needs to feel he is successful in making his wife happy. "She wants him to make her happy. He wants to make her happy. They both want the same thing."

Conflicts snowball when couples get into a crazy cycle of reacting negatively to things their spouses say or do, says Emerson Eggerichs, author of "Love and Respect," a best-selling Christian book on marriage.

A former pastor who counseled couples for 30 years, Eggerichs hosts popular marriage conferences with his wife of 32 years, Sarah.

At his conferences and in interviews, he uses humor to demonstrate how simple misunderstandings can take on a life of their own.

For example, a wife might say, "This is the worst meal I've ever made." To which her husband responds, "No, it's not, honey." She quickly shoots back, "What are you saying? Are you saying that I've made thousands of worse meals?" What he really meant was she has never made a bad meal, Eggerichs says.

Or one spouse wakes up feeling fat and ugly. The other, planning to make a thoughtful gesture, makes a beeline to a bookstore and gets a diet book. Chaos ensues.

Runaway disagreements can be headed off at the pass if each partner gives the other the benefit of the doubt, he says. "They do not get up in the morning thinking of ways to offend and irritate you and be selfish around you — although all of that happens.

"I can't defend everyone, but you were at the altar with this person, and you have to believe that your spouse has basic goodwill toward you."

He bases his views on what he has learned from the Bible, particularly from the Apostle Paul, who wrote about love and respect 2,000 years ago in his letter to the Ephesians (5:33): "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Eggerichs says the central theme of his book is that couples have to stop the crazy cycle, which is this: Feeling unloved, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to him. Without respect, he reacts in ways that feel unloving to her.

Eggerichs says his ideas aren't "magic bullets" to fix marriages, but many unhealthy patterns can be broken if couples learn to show that underneath the lumps and bumps of their relationship, there's unconditional love and respect.