Jeffrey D. Stern and Ivette Rodriguez Stern have been divorced for a year and a half, but they continue to put their children first. Especially during the holidays.

The two, who remain friends, have worked out a holiday arrangement they found to be successful with their children: Ivette has their 12-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son on Christmas Eve, then Jeffrey spends Christmas morning with the kids.

"What we do and how we live our lives together shows our kids day in and day out how much we both love them, how much we accept the other parent and how it's OK for them to love the other parent," said Jeffrey D. Stern, 39, of Honolulu.

Planning who gets what time with the kids is something parents should address in a civil manner, advises social worker and parenting expert Gary Direnfeld, who practices in Ontario, Canada.

"Do you think your children are going to come and spend Christmas with you as adults when their memories of Christmas with you were conflict-laden?" asked Direnfeld. "You are actually investing, not just in this Christmas, but in Christmases to come with your adult children by virtue of how you manage it."

With divorces nationwide seemingly as common as marriages, more and more children are being subjected to the holiday arrangement toss-up.

While divorced couples may have divorce decrees that spell out holiday arrangements, parents who are in the middle of the divorce process have to work it out, either between themselves or through a mediator.

"If you don't have two parents cooperating proactively and you don't address the issues, then the children are often left wondering, not knowing, having questions that they want answered and having anxieties about it," said Stern, a clinical psychologist who specializes in child and family issues.

There are several things parents can do to ensure their children have a positive holiday experience, especially if there's low conflict between parents, said Stern, a member of the Hawai'i Psychological Association and an instructor in child development and research methods at the University of Hawai'i.

Parents should figure out schedules in advance and include kids in the planning process, he said.

"Let them help make choices about when to celebrate and with whom," Stern said.

Direnfeld suggests parents consider sticking to established arrangements that have worked before the divorce. For example, if the maternal side celebrated on Christmas Eve and the paternal side celebrated on Christmas Day, continue that tradition.

"If that is what has always transpired, you can do that on a go-forward basis," Direnfeld said.

In situations where there is high conflict, parents should consider bringing in a trusted and fair third party, such as a parenting coordinator or a psychologist, to figure out arrangements that are in the best interest of the children, Stern said. (See box on mediation services.)

"That way, if there's difficulty and stress already, at least they have a mediator to get them through it," he said.

Just as important as advanced planning is following through, Stern said.

"Keep your word," he said. "Arrive on time, drop off the kids on time and stick to the schedule which you've agreed to."

Gift-giving is another issue. Stern recommends creating a budget and gift list, staying within a budget and cooperating on shopping and giving the gifts.

"Make sure it's well-organized and equitable," Stern suggested. "If you know (your ex-wife) is going to get a specific toy, don't try to one-up her. ... Work together."

Stern and Rodriguez Stern, a project coordinator at the UH Center on the Family, even shop together for gifts. They remain close and continue to have family meals together once a week and on big holidays.

"What parents need to remember is that while a divorce ends the marriage and may change the family formation, it shouldn't end the family," said Rodriguez Stern, 41, of Honolulu.

Divorced and separated parents can continue strengthening their families, she said.

"Spending quality time together, practicing healthy communication, and dealing with, rather than running away from, stress, are behaviors that are especially important during the holidays in the face of divorce," Rodriguez Stern said.

Reach Zenaida Serrano at zserrano@honoluluadvertiser.com.