"They've been off the market for a long time and were much younger the last time they dated, so they're really at a loss about how to do it," said Tina Tessina, a California-based psychotherapist and author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again."

"But aging is only a problem if you're in denial and unprepared. No matter how much cosmetic surgery, exercise or dieting you do, you'll never compete with the young on the outside. But on the inside, you've got the wisdom, experience and street smarts to get exactly what you want."

Mai'i sees herself at somewhat of a disadvantage in the dating world. At 51, she's older, menopausal and fiercely independent.

"I don't think men are necessarily looking for women who are independent and have an opinion," Maiçi said. "I happen to be both of those. I don't need a man to pay my electricity bills. … I'm very outspoken and honest. It seems like men want these younger girls, the kind they can shape into their version of the perfect wife. That's not me."

Joe Cheng, 52, has been single for about 10 years. But like Fouts, he doesn't feel an overwhelming need to be in a relationship.

"One thing about being a certain age is that you get comfortable with yourself," said Cheng, a facility management consultant and part-owner of Maui Sporting Goods who lives in Makiki. "A lot of guys think they have to be with someone all the time, but … I would prefer to do things on my own than be in a situation I don't want to be in."
He said that staying healthy and active has contributed to his positive attitude about being single. And that makes him more attractive to the opposite sex.

"I can still do a lot of things, and that makes me feel I have a lot more to offer in a relationship," said Cheng, who works out nearly every day, plays tennis and golf, dives, surfs, swims, runs and bikes. "But I'm not afraid to be alone."

A relationship "might enhance your life, but you don't need one to be happy," he said.

The biggest challenge for Fouts has been figuring out how to meet single men. "What am I supposed to do," she asked, "wear a sign that says, 'I'm available'?"

Most single boomers — 41 percent, according to the AARP survey — meet dates through friends or relatives. Some meet partners at their workplaces. Others go online to find love.

Fouts has found dates mostly through friends, who are getting the word out that she's available. And she prefers to meet people this way instead of at bars or through the Internet, which just aren't her scene.
"I'd want to have a common interest with the person," said the active Fouts, who loves to play soccer, hike and bodyboard. "I think the challenge is to find someone who will go along with your flow. Heaven knows I'm not looking for a husband right now."

That's because she's too busy with everything else in her life.
Fouts balances a full-time job with playing competitive soccer. (In fact, her Holomua Over 50s women's soccer team won the national championship in June at the United States Adult Soccer Association National Veteran's Cup in Willington, N.C.) In addition, she checks up on her 82-year-old mother, who lives in Kailua with her second husband.

Then there are the things she hasn't yet accomplished — like learning how to play golf. Dating is somewhere on her ever-growing to-do list.
wiser now

Many single fiftysomethings never expected to be unattached and dating at this time in their lives. The uncertainty forces them to take risks and try new things.

After her 20-year marriage ended, Rebecca Byeseda, 51, found herself suddenly single — and often lonely. While she wants to meet men, it hasn't hasn't been easy, especially since she hadn't dated in 25 years.

"The challenge is that it's just all new to me," said Byeseda, a receptionist and massage therapist, who doesn't think clubbing in Waikïkï is her thing anymore. "Now I'm looking for companionship, someone to fulfill my own desires and womanliness, instead of focusing on raising children and working. It's like things have calmed down. It's nice."

It's not unusual for singles in their 50s — whether divorced, widowed or never-been-married — to feel this way, said Dr. Diane Thompson, co-director of the Quality of Life program at Straub Clinic & Hospital.
"They have so much more experience and understanding now," Thompson said. "So going into a new relationship, they know a whole lot more what they want."

Byeseda moved to Hawai'i from Texas after her divorce, determined to start anew. While she worked full-time as a receptionist at an insurance company, she worked on becoming a massage therapist.
A lot has changed for Byeseda, once a stay-at-home wife and mother of two now-grown daughters in Texas. She lives with two roommates — essentially, strangers — in a three-bedroom rental in Hawaiçi Kai. "It's a very different life," she said. "But that's a part of me, too. I can adapt."

Despite her youthful looks and attitude, Byeseda hasn't dated since moving to Hawaiçi two years ago. Not satisfied with the typical method of meeting men — hanging out at bars and clubs — she joined an Internet-based dating service at her daughter's urging, and her posting already boasts a bunch of hits.

"I said to myself, 'What the hell,' " she said, laughing.

Internet dating is quickly growing in popularity among older singles. More than 40 million Americans are looking for love online, with a growing number in the over-50 sect.

Online dating sites have started to cater to this growing market. MatchNet launched SilverSingles.com, which boasts more than 8 million members worldwide. SeniorFriendFinder.com, part of the FriendFinder network, has more than 2 million members. And eHarmony.com has been courting older singles by teaming up with ThirdAge, a site for boomers.

Byeseda's not scared of dating. But she is, like many singles regardless of age, worried about finding someone who will like her for who she has become. As a single she finds she has more time to spend on herself. She takes yoga classes and hikes on the weekends.

"I'm really getting to know myself more because there's no one else," she said. "If you have someone with you, they know you so well. Now, I end up thinking and going inward and coming up with my own answers. … You really become connected with your life."

Reach Catherine E. Toth at ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com.