Honolulu is gearing up to join the thrilling world of recycling. We are not alone. In this article, humorist Calvin Trillin imagines correspondence to the Solid Waste Commissioner from East Coast residents who have been instructed in the fine art of recycling.

From Harold B. Evans, Snomesville:

On Page 38 of the document entitled "A Simple Guide to Residential Recycling," it says that "wet newsprint" is organic waste that goes in the Green Cart, with such items as "untinted human hair." However, on Page 51 of the same document, there are instructions to place "newsprint" in the Blue Bag, along with recyclables like telephone books from which the binding glue has been removed. Does that mean that if wet newspapers that had been placed in the Green Cart just after a pick-up day are likely to dry before the following pick-up day, they must be recovered and transferred to the Blue Bag in order to avoid the penalties listed in the section entitled "Grounds for No Collection"? Also, where does the binding glue go?

From Helen McPherson, Gated Meadows:

We recently had a cross burned in our front yard. Since my husband and I are white Presbyterians who have never been involved in controversy, we think this was simply a mix-up in addresses. (I suspect the cross was meant for the Taylors down the street, since they are a mixed-race couple; he's Canadian.) We've been in anguish, though, about how to dispose of the cross. We figured that the wood, being under the maximum dimensions listed on Page 73 of "A Simple Guide to Residential Recycling," would go into the Green Cart under the category of "small pieces of wood and bric-a-brac." However, would it be necessary to remove the nails first? Also, do you think the Taylors should bear any responsibility at all for the disposal of this item?

From Jason Turner, age 9, Parsons:

What are you supposed to do with belly-button lint?

From Norton W. Shackleford, Shadyvale:

Two weeks ago, a neighbor of mine (to protect his privacy, I'll refer to him as Blockhead) was expecting a visit from his grandchild. My wife and I lent him some toys. When he returned the toys, we weren't at home, so he left them on our porch, in a large pasteboard box. No box had been used to deliver the toys to him; my wife carried the Tooty Train in its own case, while I took the Tiny Pieces Medieval Suburb in an easily recyclable shopping bag.

As you must know, the disposal of pasteboard boxes is one of the most complicated tasks under the new recycling regulations — and not simply because of the recent controversy over the meaning of the phrase "secure with organic twine." Some newlyweds in our neighborhood now inspect every wedding present delivered by UPS and, hazarding a guess based on the name of the store and the weight of the box, refuse receipt of some on the grounds that the present inside is unlikely to be worth the trouble involved in disposing of the box.

When Blockhead stopped by a few days later (to return three of the tiny pieces from Tiny Pieces Medieval Suburb that had rolled under a couch), I asked him to take back the pasteboard box. He refused. If I turn him in for "trash transference," 1. Will I be given a new identity to prevent retaliation? and 2. Will someone come and pick up the box?

From Helena Brightson, Donner Springs:

My husband had been an unenthusiastic participant in the county's new recycling plan, but reading Volume 2 of "A Simple Guide to Residential Recycling" seemed to spark his interest. At first, he simply became a more conscientious recycler, but gradually he turned into what I can only describe as a zealot. For instance, he was always accusing me of leaving on too much paper when I tore out those little plastic address-windows from the envelopes that bills had come in before placing the envelopes in the Blue Bag. He referred to that as "wasting waste." He'd spend a lot of time rummaging around the Black Garbage Bag for the plastic windows, and, as we sat in the parlor after dinner, he would carefully cut the extra paper off them with a scissors, then deposit the paper in the Blue Bag. I took that as a rebuke. When I said that I was having difficulty with some of the changes listed in the "Adjustments and Further Regulations" section of Volume 2 — for instance, the change under "Green Cart Items" from "fish intestines" to "fish intestines other than liver and spleen" — he accused me of being a despoiler of the earth.

Eventually, he embarked on what he called "a campaign for thorough separation" and what I called (behind his back) "the final solution." He insisted that I strip the paint off any wood I put in the Green Cart under the category of "small pieces of wood and bric-a-brac." One night, as I was slicing some tomatoes for dinner, he began to shout at me for tossing the end of a tomato in the organic waste destined for the Green Cart without removing that little round sticker that supermarkets sometimes put on vegetables. I still had the tomato-slicing knife in my hand, so I stabbed him in the heart. I put the body in a large freezer we have in the garage, but I know that eventually I'll have to dispose of him elsewhere. Green Cart?