Blousy shorts and pronounced shoulders are hot. Pencil skirts are replacing bubbles and minis. But whatever the current trends may be, they are bound to pass me by as the mother of a 1-year-old.

Rather than a skirt style, the word "bubble" conjures up the way our daughter delights in chasing the iridescent spheres, and the mention of voluminous shoulders still reminds me of the power suits of the '80s. Pouffy shorts remain an enigma as the majority of the outfits I have purchased recently have been from baby clothing stores rather than, say, Nordstrom.

The eclipse of chic begins during pregnancy, when heels cause backaches and garments become increasingly tight. What seemed voluminous in the first trimester barely stretches over the belly by the third. Maternity clothes initially seem cute but are not worth collecting, for after pregnancy they will hang like sackcloth in a definitely unfashionable manner.

It is a rare woman who can slip directly back into her skinny jeans after birth. What took nine months to gain will take at least as long to lose.

The size of some body parts, like feet and hips, never seem the same.

This would provide a good excuse to shop for new apparel, except for the fact that caring for the baby is a 24/7 job.

Low-maintenance is the style of choice for the zombielike new mom, who barely has time for regular laundry, let alone ironing and dry cleaning.

Postpartum attire must allow for easy feeding of the infant. Color schemes should render spit-up stains unnoticeable. Sizable T-shirts, loose-fitting shorts, and other items not currently frequenting the runways of Paris seem to do the trick.

When the keiki is older, it may seem like the chance to finally hit the mall. Little does the new mother know that shopping is no longer the leisurely activity it once was. Squeezed in between naps and feedings, efficiency becomes a priority.

As the little tyke begins to cry in the dressing room, fervent yearnings arise. What if each manufacturer adhered to standard measurements so that sizes would be uniform? What if the fashion cycle for women's apparel changed only as often as for men's?

These, of course, are wishful thoughts. Trying on clothes, therefore, continues to be, well, trying. In the end, it is justified to think that the time might have been better spent napping.

Besides, some items remain taboo. Dangling earrings, necklaces and even the prongs of engagement rings prove hazardous near baby's grasp and delicate skin. Traipsing around playgrounds in stilettos risks a twisted ankle, and curious young hands have a way of ripping off buttons, ribbons and other accouterments.

One consolation is that even if chic attire could be acquired, it might get little usage if one pregnancy is followed shortly thereafter by another. By the time the second child is born, the once-"in" outfits will most certainly be "out."

Besides, once the main showstopper, the infant, is born, parents in effect become mere accessories. Everyone will instead be rightfully gazing at the lovely bundle of joy.

No matter what he or she is wearing, the baby is certain to be the most adorable and cute individual present.

Monica Quock Chan is a freelance writer who lives in Honolulu with her husband and daughter.