Everywhere I turn these days, I see the lists. Each one is telling me how to live my life, but I'm feeling assaulted by their expectations.

Apparently, there are a lot of things a man is supposed to do before he dies.

Climb a mountain. Make a million dollars. Sleep with a movie star.

Wow. Just stab my sense of self-worth right in the heart.

One of my favorite lists came from a surfing magazine. Most of what it suggested looked impossible to achieve, especially if you were a humble weekend surfer such as myself.

Surf an outer reef? I'd drown.

Disappear to an exotic location? Well, it sounded like fun, until I got to the part where I would have to explain this to my family.

Killing my own dinner sounded intriguing. Can you kill your own dinner at Safeway?

Every surfer dreams of going somewhere far away for waves, so it was no surprise to me that making a pilgrimage topped the list. Given that I never surf anywhere but my neighborhood break, I could fulfill this with a trip to Makaha.

But with a wink and a nod to the recommendation, I'm officially renaming my favorite spot "Geezers," because just about everyone out there is older than me.

Another list I read recently was written for the over-achievers, the alpha males. It was mostly about money.

Buy a brand-new car.

Buy a new house.

Travel the world.

An editor at a men's lifestyle magazine wrote that single men cannot consider themselves worthy of female companionship without a comfortable couch, nice underwear and $150 jeans.

Oh, and if you have a Swiffer Sweeper, woman will throw themselves naked at your feet.

My lord, men, is that all it takes?

So anyway, all this got me thinking that I ought to contribute a few ideas to the world of lists.

Here's my guide. No mandate here.

1. Tackle a job you would ordinarily pay someone to do. Change the oil in your car. Build with your own hands. Fix something that's broken.

2. Charter a boat and catch a really big fish. Hey, it was good enough for Hemingway, so it should be good enough for you. Plus, the sashimi will be fresh.

3. Find a tree that has to go, and cut it down. With an axe. Then dig out the stump, wrestle it into a truck and drink a six pack of beer to kill the pain from your blisters.

4. Hit a home run, dunk a basketball and do a perfect screaming cannonball off the high dive. (OK, so those last three are a bit of a stretch, but man, what I'd give to complete a slam dunk. ...)

5. Finally, I offer this: If you do nothing else, make sure you make a difference in someone's life. Love a good woman. Be a role model for your children.

And forgive the fools who make outrageous lists. They're just jealous.

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com.