The road back to singlehood isn't always well paved. The dips, curves and potholes can't always be anticipated.

Nearly everyone must grapple with some measure of bewilderment as they try to discern what's ahead.

But for widows, widowers and divorcees, the confusion is often mixed with a wide range of emotions.

Some experience anger or resentment. Others feel lonely and abandoned. After ending a relationship, some may feel elated, only to experience letdown as the inevitable challenges of life encroach. Still others wallow in fear or guilt.

Regardless of emotion, experts advise that people going through a divorce or death of a mate should deal with their feelings before moving on.

The goal: to acknowledge that the experience can be difficult and to move toward a life in balance — one that includes new pleasures and peace.

"It's really important to do the healing work," said Mitzi Gold, a psychologist and social worker and director of the Mars & Venus Counseling Center of Hawai'i. "There's a period of time when you need to be able to go through your emotions and then, at some point, you can be open again."

ACKNOWLEDGING GRIEF

Lisa Butter never expected her life to turn out as it did. Ten years ago, she was happily married and living on an organic farm in upstate New York with two young children. Her career as an antiques collector was flourishing and her husband, Jesse, couldn't have been more supportive.

Then a few years into their marriage, Butter heard the words that changed her life: "Your husband has cancer."

Pancreatic cancer, to be exact. Doctors gave him just six weeks to live.

"It does change you," said Butter, who now lives in Kahala. "You don't fight over the toothpaste cap anymore."

Her husband hung on for three tough years, during which the progression of the cancer slowly took his vitality. Once 220 pounds, he weighed just 60 pounds when he died on Oct. 17, 2002, at 43.

Butter spent months in denial — the first stage of grief — running away from her anguish instead of confronting it. She packed up the house and her two kids and moved to Hawai'i. She spent two years focusing on building her business here and taking care of her two kids, now 10 and 11.

"I kept busy, I kept traveling, I've kept my mind off this," said Butter, leaning back into her couch, her strawberry-tinted hair matching her pink slip dress — her husband's favorite color. "I swept it all under the rug for two years."

With her new life in Hawai'i more settled, however, the pain and loss started to set in.

Like many young widows, Butter found her own way of coping with the death of her husband, even if that meant avoiding her emotions to focus on creating a new life for her kids.

"It's only this year that it really hit me," Butter said, fighting back tears. "This is the year I grieved."

PAIN OF SEPARATION

Separation or divorce can also lead to sadness and grieving.

That's the experience Bon Gollero faced when her second marriage dissolved after 10 years.

Gollero, 51, felt emotionally drained and worried about her future alone.

"There are a lot of unknowns," said Gollero, a retired social worker who lives in Palolo. "I was just traumatized. I had no energy, emotionally or physically. I was so exhausted with the battle ... I had been a wife and mother (to a stepdaughter) for so long, I was looking forward to retirement, then boom, my whole world turned upside down. It's been traumatic."

Death and divorce are life-changing events that involve a kind of loss, whether it's the physical loss of a loved one or the emotional loss of a partner or relationship.

And with any loss, there is grieving.

"In a divorce, you're grieving for what might have been, what was and the loss of your hopes and dreams," said Tina B. Tessina, a California-based psychotherapist and author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again."

"After the death of a spouse, you're grieving the loss of that most important person in your life. It feels like a giant hole in your heart and in the middle of everything."

Like Butter, Gollero grieved for the loss of her marriage. She went from feeling angry and resentful to sinking into depression.

Now, more than a year after the split, she's accepted the dissolution and feels that she's finally started to move on.

"It's taken me a year to even want to get back into the game of dating, or even feel normal," Gollero said. "I'm no longer grieving or angry. I want to get on with my life."

FINDING SUPPORT

Support is an important part of the healing process.

That support can be found through family, among co-workers or in group therapy.

The period of life after losing a partner to death or divorce can be scary and disconcerting. New singles may feel like a part of their identity has vanished along with the marriage. They are no longer part of a partnership, but alone in a world that has suddenly become unfamiliar to them. The change in perspective can be daunting.

"To not have someone to share the financial and emotional support, that's been hard," said Erin Connell, 49, who's been divorced for almost three years. "I see this as an opportunity for my kids and I to create a lifestyle I never had. But the fear of losing it and starting over with nothing is overwhelming."

The logistics of living alone — a single income, handling the legal affairs surrounding divorce or death, and sometimes just finding someone to pick up the kids after school — can also be difficult.

"Now I find myself taking on all of the responsibilities," said Connell, whose ex-husband lives in Northern California. "You don't realize it's cumulative."

Depression is common after a separation, affecting sleeping and eating patterns and how the newly single view themselves and their place in the world.

Symptoms vary. Some people report having no energy or being unable to concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time. Women are twice as likely to suffer from depression than men, but about 19 million Americans are affected by depressive disorders, according to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.

Coping with these emotional challenges is vital to your mental health, experts say — and seeking help from others can be vital.

"People who are going through this situation of loss close down," said Gold, the Honolulu counselor. "You have to be able to open up your heart again, to be able to trust again, to move on with your life."

Butter knew she needed support after she moved to Honolulu. She joined the local chapter of Parents Without Partners, where she found a supportive network of parents and the opportunity to join in family-friendly activities where her children could meet other kids.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

Connell had optimistic ideas about life after divorce.

Her 18-year marriage had been weighing on her, and she knew the relationship was over four years before her divorce was finalized.

But she didn't anticipate just how challenging life her as a single parent would be.

"I had this illusion that I'd meet someone right ... and become a family unit again, that I'd create that again," said Connell, who lives in Hawai'i Kai with her two teenage children. "It would be a great thing for my kids to see their mom in a loving relationship."

But dating hasn't led to a new romantic connection. Yet.

"Getting back to normal is nearly impossible," she said, sighing. "I look around and think, 'Isn't this the part when my life was supposed to get better?' "

Connell's belief that life would immediately improve after divorce isn't uncommon among people who are unhappy in their marriages, Tessina said. But the end of an unhappy marriage doesn't always result in the end of unhappiness.

"They may not know how to make themselves happy, and that might be a difficult learning process," Tessina said. "If we're blaming our unhappiness on the other person, then we don't get faced with our own responsibility until that person is gone and that can be a shock.

"Getting out of marriage won't automatically make anything better," Tessina added. "Your happiness is your own responsibility."

Butter learned that lesson as she struggled to emerge from her grief.

On the anniversary of his death in October, Butter watches a video her husband made just before he died. In it, he apologizes to their daughter, Clementine, for not being there for her wedding. And he tells their son, Jesse-James, not to be bad. "I put your mom through so much already," he says.

These are the moments when Butter breaks down. But she won't let his death stop her from carrying on.

If she's learned anything from the experience, she knows that life is too short.

"You just learn to live life even more," Butter said.

WAIT TO DATE

Dating after divorce or death can be tricky, experts say. In addition to the quandary that is singlehood, those "suddenly single" often find themselves confused and apprehensive about dating again.

Some — particularly widows and widowers — feel guilty. Others are unsure about dating skills. Still others are just leery and distrusting.

"Certainly, if you were in an unhealthy relationship, this is a chance to find the right partner, to have a fresh start, to love again," Gold said. "But (dating) requires a new series of skills ... It's different depending on age. There's a lot of change that's happened."

At first, Gollero felt "like a fish out of water" dating again at 51. She joined a support group for divorcees to ease her back into singlehood.

"I really think you need a year of grieving, overcoming the pain and putting things in proper perspective," Gollero said. "I'm just beginning to feel whole again, and I'm actually very happy with me and my life."

Most experts recommend that people coping with loss wait several months before jumping into the dating pool again.

Some may need professional help to get through the grief and other issues stemming from the divorce or death.

Some people may have had a lot of time leading up to the end of the relationship to work on healing. They might rebound more quickly.

But it often takes longer than expected to be emotionally ready to move on.

"You're not thinking clearly," Tessina said. "By all means, go out with friends, take classes, try new things, begin to build a new life. But don't find another relationship while on the rebound and grieving. It usually creates disaster."

When Butter joined Parents Without Partners, she admits, "It was another distraction for me."

But during the group outings, she met a single man who lives in California. Their friendship slowly turned romantic, and now the two are officially dating. They talk on the phone every day and visit each other at least once a month.

Butter doesn't feel guilty about dating again. She knows that life goes on.

"You gotta live your life," Butter said. "You just can't stop loving."

Though attractive and smart, Connell said she's had trouble meeting compatible single men. She's dated online to no avail. And some potential suitors lose interest at the idea of becoming fathers to teenagers.

At this point in her life, she said, being a mother comes first. Maybe she'll date more seriously once her youngest heads to college two years from now.

"I've had a series of first dates," said Connell, who works as a design consultant, "but that doesn't bring me back closer to normal or fill that emotional void."

So Connell has modified what she's looking for: now she's more interested in finding a supportive group of single girlfriends than potential dates.

"Friends are safe," Tessina said. "You won't make huge mistakes if you spend time with friends, because they'll be there to steer you to safer harbors."

Connell recently connected with a group of single women — including Gollero — through an online community. They try to get together for dinner and drinks every month.

Though she still wants to find a life partner, Connell isn't engrossed in the search. Friends, for now, are a good alternative.

"I just want someone to call to see if I'm alive or call to see a movie," Connell said. "I needed to find another way of creating a support system."

EMBRACING SINGLEHOOD

Gollero has just about given up on dating. Not that being alone bothers her anymore.

"I think I'm meant to be single," Gollero said, laughing. "Relationships are very demanding. I guess it can work, but you have to have the right partner. I just haven't found that person yet."

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, Gollero reclaimed her life.

She plays tennis nearly every day. She's getting back into running and tae bo. She's even turned one of her bedrooms into a yoga studio.

"What's helped has been giving myself time and taking care of myself and my health," Gollero said. "That's been a priority. I'm not pushing myself to do things or date again. My saving grace has been staying physically active ... I'm coming to grips with being single again."

Connell isn't satisfied being single. She wants to find someone to share her life with — and maybe sweep her off to Paris for her 50th birthday this year.

But now she's considering whether marriage is what she really wants.

"I'm looking for someone to spend the second half of my life with in a fabulous relationship," said Connell, grinning. "I don't need to get married. We don't even need to live together. He could live next door. I don't think I want to share a bathroom with a man again."

What she envisions is more of a partnership — with benefits. And it could be, in her words, "something even better than marriage."

Until then, she's focusing on raising her kids and developing strong friendships with other single women.

Life is too short, too complicated and too busy to worry about dating and marriage right now.

"My goal is to return to normal," Connell said, "and figure out what that will be."

Reach Catherine E. Toth at ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com.